Monday, March 31, 2014

Catching kisses

I pulled out into my country drive-way this afternoon, and my little girl flashed across the backyard on her way to the swing.  Her "little red riding hood" coat swung against bare legs tucked in rainboots, and she flashed a grin devoid of front upper teeth before she blew a kiss for me to take with me.

I captured that kiss and flung one back to her heart.

We blow kisses now, and save them for the crazy days when we might know nothing at all.

I spent the afternoon with my father at the heath center (nursing home) where he has been for two weeks.  He's been having some crazy nights, where he doesn't sleep and his still-mechanically-driven mind drives him to take apart everything in his room. 

In the hospital he ripped out his iv and his catheter.  In the health center, he took apart the television set and ripped off his electronic tether.

He had a particularly bad night last night;  he wandered the halls and kept everyone else awake.  He insists upon shoes at all times, but he can't remember how to tie them and sometimes he even forgets his pants and one sock.       

He is in a state of unbalanced adrenals.  It affects him in bizarre ways.  Some days are awful, some are alright.    Today he was clothed and upright when I entered his room.  He might not have been able to recall my name, but he still knew that I was his girl and when I wrapped him up in my arms he melted like my little child. 

I sat beside him and held his hand, lifted his flannel shirt and mismatched polyester plaid slacks to check his arms and legs for swelling.  He could not tell me how he felt. "Can't say...you'll have to ask someone else..." but as I stayed beside him on his bed he said, "Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." (Psalm 19:14, NASB)

We played a game we've played thousands of times.  He couldn't remember how to play, but expressed frustration that I couldn't follow the rules.  It didn't bother me in the slightest, as it's just like playing with my 3-year-old son.  Who cares where the marbles go?  Are we having a good time together?  Checkers also confused him, so we just stacked them.

We walked the halls.
We went to therapy.
We sat and watched the birds at the bird-feeder, where he marveled that some birds were faster learners than others.
He could not remember how many children I have (nine, Dad...) but he could tell me the name of every member of his great-grandfather's family and how many children they each had. 

We sat, and I just held his hand for a long time... because I could and because he is still here.

His hand is still warm.  This won't always be.  One day, I will touch his hand and it will be cold; and that will be the end of such times on this earth.  When that day comes, I will mourn, but it will in no way be the end.  Dad has not been perfect, nor have I; but we both love Jesus and He is our Lord.  We will have a lot of time in the Life to come.  Still, I store up love for the days to come, when he is no longer here:  hugs, hand-holding, and kisses.

I hugged him goodbye; he laid his head on my shoulder and I think he would have just stayed there.  I know that  it is not considered proper to compare the elderly to children.  For my father, it is appropriate.  He has become much like one of my littlest children. 

I threw a good-bye kiss from the door.  He smiled and bid me safe-travels.  His smile, missing the front teeth, is just like my little girl's.  I caught that too, and stuck it in my heart...for he and I are in the crazy days.

I do not miss the reality that each one of us is one burst vessel away from catastrophe, one slight medical misstep from forgetting our pants or which way to the bathroom.  I can barely stay on my feet (from the need to kneel before Jesus) with the paucity of my own strength and how quickly life flees.  Too soon, that gappy-toothed girl and the three-year old who clings to me as I walk in the door will be returning the favors I've done for my dad.  I hope they're okay with simply hugging me and holding my hand because it's still warm when the time comes. 

Catch those kisses and tuck them in tight. 
xoxo

Sunday, March 30, 2014

The Stubborn Root

The stubborn root

old-man-eye-290x300

(This post is from almost five years ago.  My Dad is at a different place now; he is at a place of need.  I once wondered if I would know when more help was needed,  and he assured me that I would.  He was right.)

I walked past Dad, my arms wrapped full of branches from my own pruning.

The day was near 90, I was finished with my job and was ready to clean up and head inside for a cool drink. I took my branches on down to the pile, then climbed the small hill to see what he was doing.
He was scuffling his knees through a rough patch of rocks; tugging and yanking at roots, pausing now and again to pick up his pruners in his effort to uproot an insidious bush.

“Want some help?”

“No.”

Of course not.  It is fine for me to help my mother, she needs it after all.  But him? Need help?  Never.
Fierce independence brought him to good health at 85.  It makes him strong and keeps him grumpy, and I wouldn’t take it away from him for the world.  He knows that once he loses the ability to do something, he is unlikely to gain it back.  He forges on, never giving himself permission to be indulgent nor choose the easy path. Tougher than anything, this one.

But still.  This work will take him days.  I crawl under a guidewire and start tugging at loose roots.

“Been working on this for weeks already,” he confides.  “Gonna do this patch here, and then quit.”

I leave the pruners to him, pulling my shears out of my pocket for the little branches.  I won’t take a man’s work away from him. I’m his girl.  I can’t be stronger than he is.

He cuts, I pull.  The pruners slip, his hand hits a jagged rock.  Skin that is paper-thin tears when it brushes against a doorframe.  You can imagine what stones do.  I wince, but don’t say anything.  I’ve made that mistake before, and he won’t take it.  He laughs my off my concern.

“Oh, that.  It doesn’t hurt.  I don’t even feel it.  It’ll be better by tomorrow.”  I nod, agreeing with him. It’s really the only way.

We continue, me surprised that he has let me stay.  He loves me,  but I can’t have his work.  As he once said, “If you take all of my work from me, I won’t have any reason to be around.”

Well.  I won’t do that, then.

At one point a year or so ago I asked, “Dad, how will I know when you really do need help?”

He replied, “You’ll know.”

Okay.  But until then, can we work side by side at times?

We can, and this time we did.  We finished the entire patch, both of us red faced with heat and sweat and effort.  He even surrendered the pruners for a time, so that I might reach in at a differing angle. I worked hard and fast, knowing that he would not let me have them for long.  We talked about a nephew’s wedding and how to eradicate the offensive plant once and for all.

“Boiling water,” he says.
“Boiling salt water, I say.

He concurs.
Nothing taken from independence; but a little bit of me given and little bit received.

“Thanks, my girl.”
“My pleasure, Dad.”

I don’t expect it again anytime soon – and that’s just fine with me.  Let’s make it last as long as we can.
*this photo is not my own original.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

I Chose You

(Here's a blast from the past - five years ago now, but just as true today.)

This is for every woman who ever chose a child over other options.


I could have had more time,
more house,
more room.
I chose you.

benblue

I could have had more money,
more things,
dinners out…
I chose you.

dino

More me,
More sleep,
more freedom;
I chose you.

cry

Less mess,
less cooking,
less laundry;
I chose you.

mess

Less school,
less PBS,
less PBJ;
I chose you.

emmie

Because of you,
I have MORE.
More love,
more memories,
more smiles,
more delight,
more joy.

Where would I be without you?

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Yearning

Along about the end of February, winter becomes the guest who has over-stayed its welcome..  We yearn for days like these, above, where bare-footed children run and climb unfettered.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Just to make you smile...

 There are not many things cuter than a chick in a tutu,

 or the girl who thought of it...

Are there?

Friday, February 15, 2013

Ben


Benjamin Cade,
my Valentine,
my critter-loving boy...
is now seven.

He's still little enough to sit on my lap,
but too heavy to carry far.
Still small enough to not care very much for school,
but big enough to be doing well with reading, writing and arithmetic.

Big enough to check eggs and feed the cats,
Big enough to shoot a slingshot and a cap-gun,
Little enough to still climb trees and 
kiss chickens on the beak.
 
 Our seventh child is seven.
He's just perfect,
for us.



Farm Babies


I brought home some new babies yesterday.

Black Jersey Giant

Black Star

The chick above was from a different batch from last fall.  Back in September we hatched these cuties out from eggs from our own flock.  We did pretty well for our first-ever hatch, with a hatch-rate of around 60%.
This week, at four and a half months old, they began laying the tiniest, cutest, little brown eggs.  

We didn't want to miss a moment of living country life to the full, so we incubated as soon as we moved.  We also didn't want to experience a drop in egg production as the flock we inherited from the former owners was beginning to slow down.  I'm already looking ahead to fall with the chicks we just purchased, when the older hens will be phased out.  I enjoy a variety of hens, love the different egg colors and personalities of the hens.  I don't think I would gain quite as much pleasure from a homogenous flock.
    
    

Ahem.
    

Silly kitties.
Not quite *that* different.

On one occasion, we actually had a chicken and a cat vying for the same nesting space.  The chicken ended up sitting on top of the cat, and they stayed there for several hours.  I guess they both won.

 We fell into country life quite easily.  No longer could I say "no" to animals for the children.
(Although we have had to make certain adjustments in animal ownership.  I no longer let the kids grow attached to roosters.  Roosters, by necessity, come and go.  Live and learn!)
We have around 55 chickens, and I anticipate a few more chicks in a few weeks.  I have not decided whether I will raise meat birds or not, although we certainly have the room for it.
There is a pasture and the place is fenced for quite a few different types of animals.
Today, a friend brought me two rabbits, and I'm on the lookout for a couple of piglets, maybe some turkeys in March to pasture thru the summer in anticipation of Thanksgiving.

 It's a very natural fit for our family.  My parents and my sister are such organic sources of farm wisdom, so the learning curve has been gentle.

 Farm babies, like all babies, grow up quickly.  They are renewable, however, so the enjoyment goes on and on.  When one batch grows up, we can begin all over again.








Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Endurance

When I was a little girl, I sat on the floor and watched my mama's brown legs as she stood hot, endless hours at the counter canning peaches.  I wondered how she stood for so long, how they remained so strong.  Didn't she ever get tired?  Didn't she ever want to stop?

As I grew into a teen, I moved to the chair, sometimes peeling along with her. She still stood, and I still wondered.

How?

She was up at dawn, tending to something or the other, always up, always working, never, never stopping.  She raised four children and faced Carter's deep recession by growing a bigger garden.

She was a pastor's wife, so along with a hard physical life of self-sufficiency, she carried the grief of my father's congregations:  wayward children (one of them her own,) miscarried babies, accidents which took fathers.  At times, the loads were so heavy that I could not understand how she got up in the morning, let alone kept doing the work of her life.

All these years later, the secret is finally mine.   I never asked, she never told me.  I just watched, and learned.

I got here the same way she did.




Practice.

You just....do.  You get up.  You keep going.  You do the job in front of you.  You grow weary and overwhelmed.  You despair.  You become exhausted.

You think about what would happen if you dropped it all, just lay all of the responsibilities on the floor and walked away, let someone else handle them.

Then you think about everyone who would suffer if you did that, think of the ones who depend on you and trust you....

And you know that while your job is impossible, quitting is not an option.  Quitting would devastate the lives of those you love, and you won't do that.

During the tough years, this may be a daily cycle. 

Daily you give it up, drop it all, momentarily reject it, give it back to God, go to sleep, knowing that the only way you will make it thru and endure is by letting Him carry you and set you back on your legs. 

You get up in the morning, and you do it all over again....not for yourself, but for the ones you carry, the ones who trust in you.

You get strong legs for standing by just doing it - day after day after day.

God, in you, accomplishes the impossible the same way.  Small task by small task, moment by moment, year by year...

Until....


one day, by His grace, you will look back and be amazed at how far He's carried you and what you've endured and just how long you can stand












Friday, February 1, 2013

File this one under lessons from our children

 Dear Daddies and Mamas,

Let us never assume that we have the corner on teaching, that our children are given to us specifically so that they may learn from our vast stores of knowledge.
 I like to think I've journeyed far in my Christian faith.
Sometimes I even toy with the idea that I've got wisdom, that if these kids would just pay attention, they will learn so much from me.

I am humbled tonight, yes....again, this far in to parenting....
by a ten-year-old boy too sweet to have come from under my hardened and complaining heart.

From his feverish sickbed on the couch, my Josiah talks with me as I work thru my own stomach pain and pick up stray kleenex and kicked-off socks.

"You know, I'm thankful, Mom.  I really am....for lots of things."  And he makes a list:  the couch he is laying on, a mama to take care of him, movies to watch, medicine and cold water.

I think I stop and stare, a little discombobulated from the daze and the last few days with hardly any sleep.  I am definitely not thankful.  In fact, I've already run so far from thankful that I'm contemplating the goodness of God over a simple flu.  (Sleep-deprivation is not something I handle well.) 

He softens me, this boy who was a gift himself; in his own weakness he reflects his Father's glory with a pure and simple act of thanksgiving.
I may be the mama, but I have far to go and much, still, to learn.  He didn't get this gratitude from me - it came from his own heart which is turned in love toward God.


*these photos are recycled from several years ago.  I don't think any of us are up to taking/uploading pictures right now.  Ah well, you've seen one bad flu, you've seen them all.  Things look much prettier in photographs.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Granary

As sad as it makes us, we have decided that this old granary must come down.
We assume that since the house is from the early 1900s, the outbuildings must be from the same era.
At first there was some equivocation as to whether it truly was a granary, but following conversations with other country people and a little bit of research, it does indeed seem to have been the place on the farm for drying and storing grain.

At first we had hoped to save it.  We dreamed a bit about making a type of bunkhouse out of it, or a music studio for the kids.  There actually is a lot of good/sturdy wood left standing, but as always, choices must be made of where to spend time and money.  The fall and winter winds have been brutal, and have whipped even more boards and tin loose.  We just can't do it - it is too far gone.  Soon we will begin taking it apart, and hopefully using the wood to repair gaps and broken places in our second, larger barn.  

I like to think about the early days at this farm, and about the people who built the home and outbuildings.  I would assume that the wood came from trees surrounding the property, seeing that there was no Home Depot that long ago, and lumber would have needed to come from nearby.  Maybe the farmer felled them and planed them himself.  The timbers used for the granary and the barn are impressive - 10 x 10 beams (at least) held together by wood pegs.   The floor plankings are solid, 10 or 12" by 1 or 2", depending on the place and the need.  What they say is true, "they just don't make barns like this any longer."

 From the loft of the granary, looking west at sundown.



 An old door in the loft of the granary.
*photos by Emily.